February: short on days, long on dark

This blog, AstroLife Journal, is about what it's like having Brain Cancer in one's life -- whether directly as the patient, or indirectly as a spouse, child, or other loved one. sometimes the content reflects cancer specific episodes, while other times it may just be as mundane as anyone's daily life. The little intermittent dramas between other episodes is mostly where I find this blog today. In some ways our life is no different than others with out a BC diagnosis. We laugh, love, get angry sometimes. But, when we get closer to MRI time, or when the effects of surgery on the brain become apparent, it is hard to imagine that we are very normal anymore. Still, all things being equal, we have got to practice some gratitude, and must be thankful for what we do have in each other, because the quality of life is actually pretty good, comparitively.

February was marked by an increase in grieving, sadness, depression and anxiety over Annie's death. We are definitely mourning the loss of our beloved family member. Every time a train whips by, we think of that tragic episode. Jess now calls it the death train. One of our most immediate reactions was to move away at any cost. But of course these are just feelings, and they pass just as fast as that train. Except, probably for Jess, that train comes a little too often. For me, since I am at work during the week, I get to be distracted, and I get an 8 hour respite from the gloom.

We decided to erect a fence. As a first step, I contacted fencing companies for estimates. Depending on the exact configuration, and design, a new fence could cost between $3,000 - $7,000, for one of these companies to construct it. That doesn't include the survey ($1,200) and county permit ($ ?)

I don't want to lose another family member because of a lack of secure enclosure. Pretty soon, Jake will be running around outside. This really scares the sh*t out of us.

My brother in law in Elko, Nevada, sees signs posted on the road for Border Collie puppies, frequently. And pretty much each time he sees a sign, he calls Jessica to let her know about the opportunity. Each time I heard his message, I told Jessica that I don't think we are ready. However, her will on the matter is greater than my confidence that withholding the opportunity to get a new dog will be better in the long run, and just until we adjust a little and get a fence. My confidence is weaker than her will because I hate to think that I am keeping a cancer patient from experiencing joy, perhaps in the waning years of life, and also our experience demonstrates that although I hope to start new initiatives around the house, rarely do they actually get started (mainly and ironically do to lack of resources like time and money). And, the global recession is a big threat, too. The money we spend on a fence could go to better use either to pay off the credit card, or to an emergency fund (saving up for an 8 month period of unemployment perhaps) So, there seems to be small a conflict here.

No matter what happens, I just hope to be adaptable enough to accommodate the experience. Not everything is about me, today. In fact, with age, I understand that the great majority of things are not about me. So, maybe I should not try to fight the proverbial city hall in my mind. I have petitioned many times to keep the trains from blasting their whistles.